The First Christmas
by KellethMetheus
Summary: What happened to everyone after Ben and Stan sledding off into the sunrise? Christmas is coming and will Ben come home in time? I really hate summaries. RNR please.


**Authors note:** This one has been sitting on my computer for a really long time. I got it betaed and still it sat. I don't remember the pen name of the person who Beteaed it for me, but if she recognizes the fic she can let me know who she is and I will give praise accordingly. Finally I decided to get it out there for you all to see. It was one of my first stories I wrote, but I really liked it.

**AN2:** This takes place the first Christmas after _Call of the Wild_ and there are spoiler for that episode maybe others I can't remember. This is my version of those events and I own nothing but my words on paper and maybe not even that.

* * *

Ben stared at the fire; how long had it been since he had left Stan at Maggie's? Two, no, three months maybe more. Stan had been sick and Ben realized that he needed a roof and some good food to heal or he would die. His only choice was to take Ray to Maggie's. Ben had left the dogs further north and then they had hitched a plane to Ft. Smith. He knew that Maggie would help and she liked Stan, but when he had dragged Stan through the door he had smelled --her.

Ben panicked, that was the only was to describe it. He smelled that scent and heard her call his name. Ben turned and ran out the door into the night to flee his emotions and fears. Ben knew there was no logical reason for Meg to be there at Maggie's. He told himself to turn around and go back Stan still needed him, but a part of him just kept going. He kept going that night until Dief laid down and refused to move. The wolf had tried to turn them back to Maggie's all day but Ben just ignored him and kept moving to the west away from Maggie and Meg. After a while he found himself on the Nahanni and he had just kept going right over the mountain to the other side. He then caught another plane back to his dogs and kept moving hoping to out run the pain in Meg's voice and his own emotions.

Ben knew that he should go back but part of him was scared. What if Meg was really there? Could he stand to see her and not touch her and pretend that he did not love her? He had been out here in the cold North trying to forget her and what they could have had. Rolling over, Ben decided that he would contact Maggie and talk to her or Stan if he was still there. He needed to know if Meg was there and why, then he would decided what to do. It was time to start living again.

Pulling the blanket closer, Ben allowed himself to think of Meg. It was only at night when he had stopped and there was no one to talk to or nothing to think about that he gave in. Ben thought of her and how much he missed her and regretted how they had parted. He should have said goodbye, she deserved that much, but he had been hurt and not thinking clearly.

* * *

Ben had been sitting talking to Stan that night when Meg had come over and called his name. Stan allowed him to go with only a slight comment. Once they were alone Meg had immediately began to talk, "I've been thinking about the matter of our transfer. You know I look out at this cold, barren, empty landscape, where any mistake could be your last, where you're surrounded by endless moles of silence with only yourself for company and I, and I can't think of a life less appealing. But obviously it's where you belong."

Ben had swallowed, "Yes, Sir, I think it is."

Meg was suddenly nervous, "So then this could be our…" Ben interrupted her babbling, "Possibly." She stepped closer, "Then maybe we should… "

Ben pulled her into his arms as Diefenbaker, Buck, and the rest of the sled dogs began to howl. He pressed his lips to hers. Ben felt a sensation that he had not felt since he was six years old: he was home. Meg was his life, his anchor, and it did not matter where they lived as long as they were together. What was the north if he was alone with no one to share it with?

He pulled away to tell her, but Meg put her finger to his lips. "No, I don't want any regrets tomorrow. We have tonight and only tonight. No more words."

Ben nodded thinking there would be time later or in the morning to tell her that his place was at her side--even if that meant Toronto. They made love that night in his tent, falling into slumber after their blissful union. Ben woke the next morning and she was gone. His eyes opened to see the flap drop on her departure. Fraser got up and opened the flap to call her back but she was gone. All morning he had tried to get her alone but she was always with someone. Buck, Turnbull or even Stan were used to keep them apart.

Then it came time to head out and Ben turned his thoughts to Muldoon. After all the smoke had settled, he had tried one more time to talk to her and she had sent him away like a naughty puppy. After that, Ben had talked to Stan to see if he really wanted to go in search of the hand of Franklin. Stan had agreed since he had just received a message from Chicago that the other Ray had run off with Stella. Neither of them really expected to find anything but they just did not want to go back to their lonely lives without Meg and Stella.

Early the next morning, they had left with only a goodbye to Buck and wandered the North together trying to make some sense of their lives. That was until Stan got sick. Ben thought that he had out run his memories of Meg, but then with her, the truth had hit him hard. He loved her and always would, but she would be a missed chance that he would mourn. He wondered where she was now.

* * *

Meg tossed and turned trying to find a comfortable place to sleep, but she knew one was not to be found. Getting up out of bed, she moved to the window and looked out at the stars. There were so many here and then she closed her eyes and listen to the night sounds. They were beautiful, the howl of a wolf, the hoot of an owl, and then there was the northern lights bending a wave across the sky. When she had come up here before she had been locked into herself and had not looked around her. She had latched on to the danger and ignored the beauty.

Looking out at the stars she knew that somewhere Benton was out there staring up at the same constellations and she would know that he was safe. Those stars would lead him home to her one day; she only hoped it would not be too late.

A small part of her was mad because he did not say goodbye, but Meg knew that she had not given him a chance. The evening after they caught Muldoon, Ben had found her alone and she had panicked. Meg had been so close to giving in and telling him she loved him. Instead, she had put on her 'Inspector Face', sending him off to do some menial task that did not even need doing right then. Ben had not come back.

At that time she thought she was doing what was best for the two of them. Meg had gone to CSIS, became the Ice Queen, and overthrew a few dictators. She realized that life without Benton was cold and empty as her code name. She also found out she needed him for another reason, something that only he could put right. So she had come north to find him to explain to him, but no one knew where he was not Ray, Stan or Maggie. Every few weeks, Maggie would get a message from Ben saying he was alive and still not ready to come back yet. They would contact the detachment that had sent the message but he would already be gone. Time was running out and maybe Maggie did need to send him a message. It was almost Christmas and the siblings deserved to spend Christmas together. If things did not work out she could leave, this was his family not hers. Meg loved Maggie like the sister she had never had. It would hurt to leave. This was her home now and where she wanted to be, but if that is what Ben wanted she would do it.

Her mind came back to the day Ben had brought Stan to Maggie's; she had been sleeping when the commotion woke her. She had come into the room to see Ben vanish through the door. She had called him name but he never broke stride. Maggie dropped the semiconscious Stan into Meg's arms and ran after Ben. She had come back an hour later, "He's gone. I can't keep up with him; he is going too fast. I could track him if you want, he will have to stop sometime."

Meg shook her head, "Stan needs us. Ben will come back, he cares about Stan too. I think he knew I was here and Ben ran from me."

"He loves you, Meg. I know he does but he is just as scared as you are. Ben deserves to know and if he knew, he would come back."

"No, Maggie, you don't understand. I know he would come back for that. I want him to come back to me because he wants me. Can you see the difference? I left him; I took his love and threw it back into his face. I thought I had good reason, but a man can only be pushed away for so long before he leaves. I think I may have broken him that night. I don't know if he wants to see me again, you should have seen his face that night. I died that moment and then it was too late to take it back because he was gone. We can spend the rest of the night debating this but Stan needs us more right now. Help me get him into bed."

They two women had carried and dragged Stan into the spare room Meg had just left. When they got him on to the bed, Stan opened his eyes and looked at Meg, "Ice Queen, you sure did a number on Fraser. Why y'here, come to take another stab at his heart? Crazy thing is as lost as he feels, Fraze still loves you. Ice Queen crushed him and he still loves her. Just like me and Stella, but I don't love her anymore. She's Vecchio's wife now. Bye, Stella. I like Maggie; do you know Maggie, Ice Queen? She is nice, but she's Ben's sister. I don't know how he would take that."

The two women had exchanged looks and then worked to get him better hoping he would know where Ben was heading next. When Stan's fever broke he knew no more than they did. He said that they had been wandering through the far north hunting for their food and staying with various Inuit and RCMP detachments. Stan's words in his delirium had given Meg hope that she and Ben might find a place for a second chance. Hoping that Ben would come back to her and ....

Meg hit the window with her fist, it was not fair. Was she being punished for loving him enough to let him go and only to realize that it was too late that her reasons did not matter? Meg had listen to Frannie thinking that Ben could not survive in Toronto but she has gone some where else as well? Why had it seemed so cut and dry: Toronto or the North, had Ben ever said that? She did not know what he wanted, Meg had never asked. Instead she pulled rank and ordered him to accept her decisions just like she had done after the train. She leaned her head against the window and cried, calling out silently to Ben.

Maggie stood in the hallway listening to Meg cry; her heart went out to the woman who she hoped would be her sister. From her talks with Stan before he left to finish things in Chicago, Ben was just as bad as Meg but they were too stubborn to try and fix it.

She thought back to when she had first met Meg in Chicago. Meg had been Inspector Margaret Thatcher then, a strong and rigid woman who had been hurt by the world and tried to hide it behind a mask of anger and authority. Maggie had seen the fear inside Meg, fear of losing Ben and the control over her emotions that she had kept in check for so long. Most of all, Margaret had feared losing her career because that was her life and nothing was more important to her at the time. Then Meg showed up on Maggie's doorstep six months ago and Meg's blinders had been ripped away. Meg knew at that moment what was really important.

Something had happen while she was with CSIS and Meg would not talk about it. It had showed Meg that some things were more important than her job. Meg was no longer afraid to love or be loved, but she was afraid that she would not get a second chance to make things right. It was almost Christmas and if she did not hear from Ben soon she would have to make the second chance for them.

* * *

Ben sat upright in his bed roll. He had a dream that Meg needed him and could not find him and time was running out. Then he found her and she turned to him and there was something in her arms and her face was filled with love, "Ben, come to me I need you." It was then he woke up sweating and he looked around.

It was still night but he put out the fire and gathered his things. The nearest detachment was not that far away. If he hurried he might make it but noon the next day. With a quick nudge to Dief, they were off.

Pushing himself, he arrived at the detachment and presented himself to the Sergeant. The first thing the man said was, "Merry Christmas."

Ben stopped cold, was it that time already? He needed to get to Maggie and then go looking for Meg. He offered to sell the man his dogs for a chartered plane to take him to Ft. Smith. The Sergeant knew Ben Fraser and that his dogs were worth their weight in gold. He took the offer and arranged for the plane.

While he waited, Ben showered for the first time in months and changed his clothes. It felt good to be clean again, but it was not as long as he would have liked. He was about to shave off his beard with a borrowed razor when the Sergeant knocked on the door saying the plane was waiting.

With a quick thank you kindly, Ben loaded himself and Diefenbaker on to the plane and headed out. Two hours later, the pilot landed the plane. Ben had managed to sleep a little on the plane but not a lot. At the terminal Ben tried to find someone heading to in the direction of Maggie's. Everyone was going the other way and Ben found himself walking another fourteen kilometers to his sister's house. By the time he arrived he was exhausted, Ben knocked on the door and leaned against the door frame waiting for it to open. He almost fell over when it was jerked open, "Forget your key again? Ben!" Maggie said as saw him falling through her door way.

Maggie helped him inside and into a bedroom where she dropped him onto a bed. She pulled off his boots and outerwear dropping them on the floor. With a murmur of "Meg," Ben dropped off to sleep with his face buried in Meg's pillow.

Closing the door, Maggie leaned against it. He was here and she did not need to send a message. What could this mean, was he here for Christmas or Meg? She bent down to scratch Dief, "This should be an interesting Christmas, boy. Stan arrives tomorrow, Ben is here, and Meg lives with me now. Let's get you some food and watch for Meg. Meg should be home any minute."

Maggie grabbed her coat and went out to the barn for the dog food leaving Dief in the house. Just after she closed the back door, the front one opened and Meg walked in. A dog stood and barked at her entrance. It put its paws on her knees and then dropped to all fours twisting itself around her legs.

Meg bent down and scratched the dog, and froze, "Diefenbaker?" The dog barked as if to say "Yes, it me" and tilted his head.

"No, you're not him. Ben is not here, Maggie would have warned me. You're one of his litter, you are a handsome boy aren't you?"

Giving the dog a final pat, she moved to her room. She was tired, too tired to eat. Meg opened the door and closed it behind her. Without turning on the light, she walked across the room tripping on a pair of boots. She kicked them out of the way. Where had they come from? Had she left them there?

Undressing, she pulled on a pair of red long johns that she had pilfered from Ben's things when they had arrived. Meg climbed into bed and curled up trying to get warm. Taking a deep breath to relax, Meg smelled Ben. She sat up, turned on the light and stared. There he was; Benton Fraser was there in her bed.

Meg took the time to study him; he was not the same man she had known in Chicago less than a year ago. He was thinner and leaner, dark circles rimmed his eyes like he was not sleeping well either. Most of all his face was covered with a beard. It looked like he had not shaved since he left Franklin Bay. It was not how she pictured him at all this time, but then she probably wasn't how he pictured her either.

She had so much to tell him; now that he was here Meg could not think of anything to say. She reached over and touched his face, the beard tickled, he was real. Everything would be alright. She buried her face into the pillow and cried herself to sleep.

* * *

The next morning Ben woke up with something warm curled up next to him. Under his hands he felt covers and he was in a real bed. His brow furled, where was he? Maggie's, he had arrived at Maggie's last night. He took a deep breath and smelled, Meg, it was Meg in bed with him. He opened his eyes and there she was wearing his long johns sleeping beside him as though she had a right to be there and nothing was wrong between them. At Franklin Bay this is what he wanted more than anything, but did he have the courage to swallow his pride and make her see that they needed each other.

Ben studied her as she slept. Her hair was longer again, the way he liked it. Well he might as well find out what was going on, "Inspector, what are you doing here?" he gently shook her. Ben hesitated to call her Meg even if she was wearing his long johns.

Meg opened he eyes and looked at him, "Corporal, I could ask you the same thing, this is my bed. What are you doing in it?" she asked turning on the lamp. Outside the sun was just rising.

Ben suddenly felt defensive, "What do you mean your bed? It sounds like you live here or something."

"I have lived here for the last six months. I am in command of the detachment here." Meg sat up and wrapped her arms around her knees.

"Why, I though you hated it up here. Why are you here now? You did not have me to make miserable so you decided to make my sister's life miserable instead."

"No, I only thought I did. When we were chasing Muldoon, I came to the North wanting to hate it and I did. I look back at the me who worked with you at the consulate and I see a stranger. There were moments when I see the real me but they are few and far between. I was playing Inspector Thatcher, I thought she had to be hard and unyielding or no one would take me seriously. I did it for so long Meg was suffocating. I wanted to tell you how I felt and that I wanted us to stay together, but then I saw the North and Frannie said you would hate Toronto. All I saw was the differences between us, and I forgot what we had in common. I got scared that our love would not last and so I left you before you could leave me. That way I was in control. Then that night, Ben it scared me and so I ran, you loved me so much. I could feel it even though you did not say a word. I hid from you that whole day, because I was so close to giving in. After we had caught Muldoon, and I sent you away. I realized how foolish I was being. Had I asked you what you wanted or let you have any so it what was decided? I had not given us or you a chance. I didn't trust you or myself with our hearts. So I threw away a chance at happiness. Do you want to know how long it took me to come to this conclusion to see totally what I had done?"

Ben stared at the floor, did he really want to know. Her thoughts seemed to be the same as his. The second day out, Ben wanted to go back and make things right with Meg, but Stan needed him now. Stella was gone from his life and now Stan did not know what to do with the time he had. Why had they both wasted so much time? He was tired, so tired; he put his head in his hands. It took him a minute to realize that Meg was still talking.

"It was one night, Ben. I woke up the next morning alone and went to find you. In that one moment I saw that my dreams were not what I wanted anymore. I wanted you, but you were gone. So I went too, but my heart was not in it. I went to work for CSIS, there was a time when I almost died, but I lived and came back to the RCMP. I came here looking for you, but no one knew where you were. Ben, I need you to forgive me. There is not just me or you to think about now."

"I loved you Meg and you took that love and stomped on it. What do you want from me? I don't understand you. Do you love me because you never gave me a straight answer?"

Meg said, "I love you Ben. I love you more than myself, but there are other things here that matter more than us or how we may feel." She climbed out of the bed and came around to stand in front of him. Ben looked up at her and froze, "Meg why did you not tell me?"

"Ben, how could I? No one has been able to contact you or tell you anything for months. Do you know what Maggie has gone through? For weeks she would not know if you were alive or dead. Then she would get a short message and the waiting would begin again. I couldn't tell you because you were not available. Ben, our child is due in three weeks. I plan to raise this child with or without you. They will be loved by me and Maggie but I would like them to have a father."

"You're right, I have been selfish. I was running from what I felt and did not think about others. I have spent the last months trying to forget you, forget that night, and most of all that I love you. Now I am cold, Meg, I don't know what I feel anymore."

Meg watched him lower his head into his hands again, and she dropped to her knees in front of him, "Ben, look at me, please." He looked up and met her gaze and waited, "Let's start over again and go from there. There is so much we don't know about each other. We have three weeks to decide what we want to do."

He reached up and touched her face, she closed her eyes at his touch and he pressed his forehead to hers, "I am Benton Fraser. I am a member, at least I think I am, of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police. I have served for seventeen years now and I am still a Constable.

Meg smiled, "I'm Margret Thatcher, but call me Meg. I too am RCMP but I hold the rank of Inspector. I have served for sixteen years and you are a Corporal now. You have been for almost nine months now."

Ben laughed and helped her to her feet. They were close and Meg did not want it to end, "I remember inviting me to dance with no music. Shall we try?" Ben could only nod as he took her into his arms. The two of them stood in the bedroom moving to music they could only hear.

* * *

Outside the door Maggie was listening to the conversation and she signed with relief. Last night when she had come inside she had not realized Meg was home until later. Dief had scratched on the bedroom door to be let in. Maggie opened the door and found the two of them asleep in the bed together. She had grabbed Dief before he could jump up on the bed, "You can sleep on my bed tonight. Leave them alone." The wolf had whined and then followed.

She hoped that Meg was not too upset but Ben was the last person she had expected last night. Now before she could talk to her, Ben woke up and Maggie had to leave because Stan's flight was due in any minute now. Maggie quickly wrote a note and headed out the door.

Back in the bedroom Meg pulled away when she heard the car start, "Stan, I was supposed to go with Maggie this morning." Meg raced around trying to gather her things until Ben grabbed her shoulders, "Calm down, what about Stan and Maggie?"

"Stan's plane arrives this morning. He was coming for Christmas. I was going to go with Maggie to pick him up, but she left without me. I hope that she is not mad at me for not being ready. They should be here in about half an hour. You take the public bath and I will use Maggie's. I will meet you in the kitchen and we can make breakfast for them. Your clothes are in the closet."

Ben watched her grab her things from the floor and out of one of the two dressers; then dash out the door. He watched her go with a smile on his face. Everything was going to work out he thought as he moved to the closet to see what he could find to wear. Everything was there beside Meg's things. His brown uniform hung next to her suits, his shirts were interspersed with hers and their leather coats hung together. His father's foot locker was on the floor; he bent down and opened it. Ben picked up one of his father's journals and held it to his face. He was home and Meg was here waiting for him.

He gathered what he would need after his shower and proceeded to the bathroom. He stepped into the shower and enjoyed the feeling of the warm water. He stayed in the shower until the water turned cold. Only then did he feel clean. The he turned his attention to his face. Ben looked in the mirror and fingered his beard; taking his cut throat he brought Benton Fraser back to life.

Meg was in the kitchen getting breakfast ready. She was dressed in a regular uniform shirt and navy pants with the yellow stripe. Ben had never seen her dressed this way and Meg looked much more comfortable and happier then he had ever seen her. The whole time he had known Meg in Chicago, she had seemed to be a war with herself. But here in this small northern cabin, nine months pregnant she looked happy and beautiful.

She was here and they had a child on the way. He had a family and nothing else mattered. Wrapping his arms around her, Ben knew that he was finally home.

* * *

Did you like it? Let me know, please.


End file.
